Health

I'm fine.

A friend asked for some food/fitness advice and I said YAAAAASS because this is something I feel really passionately about - it is a goddamn glorious and difficult JOURNEY for all of us. I'm pretty sure she did not want this, but I got delightfully carried away. This is the thing.

So, here are some ideas, with a fuckton of caveats, the first and foremost being: we all have totally different lives/schedules/resources, so obviously feel free to disregard anything that doesn’t work for you, but also please forgive me if I say something obliviously that is completely impossible or out of line for you. I’ll just share what works for me. Feel free to share this, and feedback is welcomed. So are new recipes + workouts. :).

Also, thanks to the delightful people who continue to help me in this journey. I have the best friends.

Background thoughts: I have a history of depression, addiction, and disordered eating, so I’ll make a note if something was useful or triggering or both, etc. 

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Brain

So, the shitty thing is, you can’t really going into this with weight loss as a goal. It might be a byproduct, it might not, but it’s not a healthy or helpful motivator. Pat it’s head. Let it go.

HEALTH, however, richness and fullness of life, can totally be affected by weight, and therefore can be a great motivator. Take some time. Write down what you want your life to look like, feel like, things that are important enough to you to help you stay focused when shit gets rough, both positives and negatives. I wrote/write a lot about sobriety, being a better friend/partner, and feeling comfortable in my own body. I made fitness goals that excited me.

I guess the most important thing is that this isn’t a diet. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a change. It’ll look different and it has to be sustainable, so feel free to pendulum around, but be observant and see what you can maintain for life.

Motivation is useless. If you want change, you have to commit to discipline. (God, it sucks even writing that, but it’s true.)

What I Do: Journal, read, stay attentive to if I’m over exercising or weighing myself a lot, create new goals as I achieve old ones, share my goals with people that will help keep me accountable, removal any relationship between my morality/worth and the food I eat/how often I work out.

Info:

There’s a great book (which I haven’t finished, but use frequently) called Intuitive Eating, about that very thing. It’s the idea that our bodies know what we need, we just need to power through the fucked up food and mentality that gets in the way. It’s AWESOME, and I highly recommend you read it, they’ve got that shit on lock.

There are a few food tracking things that people like, I’m sure you know MyFitnessPal, and SparkPeople (which has some really good articles, I’d follow their website, good food and fitness stuff.) The food tracking that bothers me the least though is IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros), which just focuses on Fat, Protein, and Carb intake allowing you to have more flexiblity in what you eat while still staying within a certain caloric range.

I would advocated instead for just keeping a food diary (or just write what you eat in your journal and compare it to how you’ve been feeling. That’s always interesting.) Write down how much of what you have, and it’s easy to see patterns, triggers, etc.

A word on this:

I do not advocate for counting calories. I’ve done it, it’s a short term solution if you’re not taking care of your mind and heart and body and relationship with food along with the counting. I think it can be damaging, and has been for me.

Also, I found myself trying to fit a ton of sugary, simple carb-y stuff into my life when I tracked, which made me want more crappy food, which stressed me out, etc. Now I just eat well (i.e. veggies, mothafucka), often, and when I want something sweet or greasy, I have it, which keeps me from binging.

Not everyone has those issues though, so if tracking is something you want to play with, it works for some people. Below I’ll post a cool youtuber has some thoughts about diets and what works, the vid’s got some issues, but it’s a good thing to think about. (Plus she’s got some great recipes on her channel.)

Links:

Intuitive Eating: http://www.amazon.com/Intuitive-Eating-Revolutionary-Program-Works/dp/0312321236

MyFitnessPal: https://www.myfitnesspal.com/

SparkPeople: http://www.sparkpeople.com/

Clean and Delicious Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/danispies

If It Fits Your Macros Calculator & Site: http://www.iifym.com/iifym-calculator/

Body

You are a person who knows how great it feels to exercise in a way that brings you joy, so I’ll save the soapboxing.

Suffice it to say, building muscle and mobility will make you feel better. Yes lean muscle burns fat, blah blah blah, but really - Do what feels good. What is fun. Find a community. You can’t hate your workout; it ruins what is supposed to be one of the best and greatest joys in life.

What I do:

Real talk: I work out a fuckton, for mental health and sobriety, and also because I wanna be shredded. But I know that this schedule is NOT something that most people can do, even purely in terms of time limit.

I work out a minimum of four days a week, but usually six: 3-4 days lifting before work for 45 minutes, 1 day long distance running (4-7 miles), and I rock climb with friends 2x per week. I also walk EVERYWHERE. I’m talking 25 miles a week outside of work.

I do a variety of lifting, (I’ll list the most frequently used things at the bottom of this section if you’re curious) but I try for a chest/shoulder/top back day, a bicep/tricep/low back, a hamstrings day and a glutes day. Realistically it ends up being 3 of the 4 and 1 day of circuit training with more bodyweight moves (planks, ropes, burpees, etc.)

I try to stretch before bed every night, and some dynamic stretches before a workout. (I should be doing more of that.)

If I am really sore in an area I’m supposed to work that day, I take a break.  Sometimes I’ll work something else, sometimes I’ll skip the gym that day and just go for a walk or stretch, but that is a requirement.

Find what’s fun, and maybe something new to get you inspired. Take it slow and steady. Create attainable goals. Find a community. Youtube that shit. Get pumped about it. I’ve been working up to what I do now on and off for like ten years. So.

Info:

You mentioned your workout program, which is awesome, so I’ll just add to your toolkit with what I use.

There are a number of lifting programs online if that’s something that you enjoy, StrongLifts (I haven’t tried it) being a pretty popular one, especially for beginners, but search around for something that you like, I don’t know a ton. I use Bodybuilding.com for info on new exercises I want to try. (Go right to the exercise page, the general page is horrifying.) I’ll list some at home workout sites below. I don’t use them a ton, but damn do they save money on the gym.

You know the rest. Google, Youtube, etc, lol.

Links:

StrongLifts: http://stronglifts.com/

Bodybuilding: http://www.bodybuilding.com/exercises/

At home work outs:

http://www.bodyrock.tv/

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_articles_list.asp?iSel=17

Lifting

Upper:

Bench press, dumbbell chest press, overhead press, bicep curl/preacher curl, tricep pull down, skullcrushers, tricep dip, assisted pull ups, front/lat raises, lat pull, row, rear delt fly, pec fly back extensions, push ups, ropes

Lower:

Squats (dumbbell, barbell, air, etc), lunges (reverse, weighted, step ups), good mornings, calf raises, hamstring curl, leg extension, wall sits, box jumps, deadlifts

Core:

Back extension, planks, leg lifts, pilates based ab circuit, burpees, random weird crap I find on the web

Tummy

FUN PART! I LOVE FOOD!

OK, but also, hard part. This is an ongoing thing for me, so I’m with you here, and that intuitive eating book will be way more helpful than I will, BUT here are the things that changed the world for me.

Figure out your relationship with food. I am a bored eater, a stress non-eater, and an occasional calorie obsessor in an attempt at control. I also just fucking love food. However, I used to eat to the point of discomfort often (still do now and then), and I do not love that feeling. I do not love feeling sluggish. I do not love the way sugar gives me a stomach ache, or that if I start eating candy I CAN NEVER STOP.

So here’s the process I use:

-Observe why you’re eating. Name that shit.

-Observe how you feel. Name that shit.

-Let go of any bullshit. You’re not “bad” for eating a brownie. You’re a person who ate a brownie. You are also not an angel for eating a salad. I turn into a monster if salad is all I eat for a meal.

-Make a choice next time, and try to base it off your previous internal analysis to give yourself the outcome you desire (not stuffed, not hungry, not craving.) Whether you’re successful or not...

-Repeat that process.

(Really though, Just read that book.)

What I Do:

All bodies are different, but my things are:

Fruits, veggies, eggs, yogurt, cheese, happy fats (nuts, avocados, olive oil), white meat, and seafood make my body feel good: Fueled, satiated, not too full (even if I go all out.)

Red meat makes my tummy sad.

Carbs make me want MORE CARBS!! Which is ok. I just keep it in mind.

Sugar makes my tummy sad and my head hurt. I still go ham on that shit from time to time. That’s one of my areas of “make a different choice next time cuz you feel like shit right now.”

I eat a ton of fruits and veggies. A TON. I don’t get enough protein, but I’m working on it. I do eat carbs, but they are never the star of the meal. Lots of water. Avoid fake sugars.

Example Days: I am not creative. These are literally just meals from the past few weeks that felt good. Please take note of the last row. All ‘bout the real talk here.

Breakfast	Coffee with too damn much creamer ½ cup greek yogurt ½ cup granola A smoosh of honey and jam berries	Coffee with too damn much creamer Breakfast hash: little potato, kale, mushrooms, zuccini, broccoli, cauliflower
Lunch	Garlic zuccini Little whole wheat pasta (⅓ cup?) with greens, olive oil, and parmesan Clementines Carrots+Celery and Hummus	Veggie Stir Fry: All veggies possible, peanut butter, peanuts, soy sauce, sesame oil, sesame seeds, hot sauce, ¼ c jasmine rice Apple
Dinner	3 oz shredded chix ½ baked potato with butter, chives, 1 slice precooked bacon Broccoli (roasted) Strawberries	BLT: Whole wheat bread, 1 T mayo, 3 slices precooked bacon, tons of lettuce, tomato, cucumber. Salad: Chickpeas, greens, beets, a little ranch
Snackies Throughout the day	Handful of cashews Apple and peanut butter Kind Bar	Almonds String cheese Banana
Yep.	A fuckton of baked cheddar chips As many chocolate chips and almonds as I could consume	Many of Allison’s girl scout cookies. Many.

Info:

Meal prep the weekend before. I peel, wash and cut all veggies/fruits and cook as much as I can make myself that day. I also usually do two main meals, a crockpot meat and some sort of pasta or potato deal. We go through 1 lettuce, bag spinach, 2 kale bunches, bag carrots, bag celery, head cauliflower, 3 bunches broccoli, 6 zucchini, 1.5 lb green beans, apples and bananas in a week. I realize that’s not in everyone’s budget, and Aldi is the best, but just as a reference.

Also, portioning is a big damn deal. I don’t really worry about it with fruits and veggies, but that fucking food-pyramid-grains-recommendation is a load of ass. Listen to your body. Figure out what sated but not stuffed feels like. Figure out what keeps you full and what makes you want more of something. Avoid/limit trigger foods when you can/want to, and add on the fresh stuff + happy protein.

Please note. The above meals, as well as the other suggestions, are not 100% how I live my life. I eat out probably 2x a week at this point, I often eat candy. I have improved on knowing that greasy, sugary stuff makes me feel shitty so I say no to it more often, but like, two weeks ago I had two donuts at work before 10 am. So. Grain of salt and whatnot.

DO NOT STARVE YOURSELF - not even in an ‘avoid eating disorders’ way. If you do not eat enough calories throughout the day, you will almost certainly go ‘fuck this’ around 6 pm, and get them back in the form of fast food or crap. Be satiated. Eat what you can eat that makes you feel satisfied. Some really fucking healthy people eat candy everyday, because that’s their thing. This change is supposed to make you feel free and powerful, not trapped.

Links:

Oswegoland Park District Dietician: Maggie Watson http://www.oswegolandparkdistrict.org/Programs/wellness.htm

This person is seriously the best. She can give you way better nutrition advice than I can. I talked to her a few times and she gave me some thoughts and guidelines to follow that helped a lot.

I’m gonna put recipes at the bottom because we’re gonna go HAM.

Heart:

The biggest change is mental. We know that. So work that part the hardest.

Look unflinchingly at your relationship with food. I use it to cope. I used to diet because I HATED my body. I wanted it to be different. I needed control. I didn’t have it anywhere else. But when I could understand the situation, I could step back from it.

Practice rigorous self love. Look at your body and love it. As it is. Right now. Love you. As you are. Right now. Self-loathing thought? It’s ok, man, it happens. Feel it. Dismiss it. You are worthy and loved. Right now.

Do stuff that makes you physically feel good, that soothes you and isn’t food. Bathe. Walk. Sex. Cuddles. Stretch. Exercise. Nap. You deserve to feel good.

If you eat something you’re not happy with, acknowledge it and let it go. Do not beat yourself up about it. Give yourself permission to indulge and fuck up and it’s FINE, it’s good, you’re learning a balance here, and that’s what matters.

It’s important to remember, life is cyclical. I’ll have weeks (or months) where I eat like crap, or don’t feel like going to the gym. IT’S OK. Some days you’ll eat more, some less. Some days you’ll weigh more, some less. Let your brain be where it is. Take note of how you feel, what you need, what you want, and most likely you’ll fall back into good habits as you recover from whatever it was that burned you out in the first place.

Anyway, much love. I’ll get to the details of food now, but I hope the thinking helps too. Balance is a beautiful thing yo. Be good to yourself. Trust yourself. Let yourself take the time and feel the feels and give yourself permission to enjoy - your body, your food, your life.

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Food

As stated, I can’t/won’t tell you what your calories should look like, and in fact, fuck that, let’s fuel our bodies! This is just the shit Al and I eat a lot, so dig in.

Also: Pinterest. It’s just the best. Figure out your goals and narrow your recipe searches. It’s where I get all my shit.

Most eaten:

Garlic. Veggies.

Sauteed: Heat olive oil in a pan. Add garlic. Add veggies and salt. (other spices if you want.) Add a little water and cover with a lid for a few minutes if it needs to soften (like kale or broccoli), or just crank that heat and leave it naked (Zucchini. Where’d you get all dat water, zucchini?)

Sauteed (spicy): Heat sesame oil in pan. Add garlic. Add veggies, salt (or soy sauce), and sriracha. Add toasted sesame seeds or peanuts. My fav is green beans with soy sauce, sriracha, peanut butter and toasted sesame seeds.

In the oven: Cut up veggies. Dump on cookie sheet or 9x13 pan. Drizzle/toss with oil, salt, spices. Cook at 400-450 for some minutes. Probably like 20-30, but kale will go fast and cauliflower will be cooking for a decade, so...use your judgement.

Anyway, I eat this shit all day, every day, snacks, with meals, etc. So if you don’t like garlic veggies...I cannot help you. Lol.

As an aside:

• I mention Uncle Ben’s 90 sec rice often. It’s not classy, but damn is it convenient.
• I also just google healthy crockpot or high protein crockpot recipes.
• Kind Bars are the tits. Low sugar, high satiety. Larabars are good too, but expensive.
• This is the bread I grew up on. If you like it, it’s pretty good in terms of portioning: https://www.brownberry.com/products/sliced-breads/natural/wheat-0

Breakfasty loves:

• Hardboiled eggs
• Scrambled eggs
• 1 Piece whole wheat toast with pb or jam or pb+cinnamon+honey
• Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal: Cook 1 serving oats. Add 1-2 tsp brown sugar, cinnamon to taste, and 1 small cubed apple
• Omelettes - sneak those veggies in there!
• Microwave mug omelette. GOogle it.
• Hash: Heat oil in pan, add onion, garlic, then potatoes, get them soft-ish (go easy on the portioning though), veggies (Kale, broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, mushrooms, sweet potato, etc) little butter/oil, a little protein if you want (ham, precooked bacon), egg if you want, avocado if you want
• Precooked bacon: I don’t know anything about additives etc, but precooked bacon is lower in fat and it’s SO DAMN EASY TO MAKE like why does anyone do anything else.
• Greek yogurt (I do plain and add my fruits/sweeteners) + fruit/honey/granola
• Granola: check the labels on this shit. It can often be high in sugar and bullshit. Make your own or I like Nature’s Path. You also need way less of it than you think, especially if it’s going in something.
• Overnight oats - again, these can run the sugar/carb gamut, but damn are they convenient!
• (http://www.buzzfeed.com/samimain/overnight-oats-recipes-to-restore-your-faith-in-breakfast#.hswoblmqQ)
• Apple + Peanut Butter
• Banana (I do half) and a handful of cashews or almonds
• Kodiak Cakes (http://www.kodiakcakes.com/) - these bitches are lower carb, easy to make. I add bananas, pb, chocolate chips, anything that makes my face happy. There’s also a high protein option if you’re not getting enough.

Meals:

• Caprese Salads: Lettuce, spinach, grape tomatoes, fresh basil, mozzarella pearls, make your own dressing (http://whatsgabycooking.com/basil-vinaigrette/)
• Asian Salad: Ok, this is weird but Al really likes it: Greens, 1 avocado, ½ cucumber, tomato if you want,  sesame ginger dressing, 1 bag Uncle Ben’s 90 sec rice, some chicken (I do Tyson’s frozen. But unfrozen. Obvs.)
• Salads in general: For me, if I’m just making a regular salad I prefer to make my own dressing (super easy, lower in bullshit), and I have to add protein/carbs, or it just isn’t satisfying and I’ll end up binging that night. Meat, cheese, nuts, avocado, chickpeas, etc.
• Burrito Bowls: Saute peppers, onions, garlic. Cook black beans with cumin, bay leaf, onion, garlic. Rice. Top with lettuce, tomato, avocado, cilantro, sour cream.
• Stir Fry: Heat Sesame oil in pan, add Garlic & ginger. Add kale, zucchini, broccoli, carrot, celery, peppers, halved green beans, and teriyaki sauce, soy sauce, stir fry sauce, sriracha to taste. Add mushrooms and ¼ c peanut butter. Simmer until it’s a thing. Add 1 packet Uncle Ben’s 90 second jasmine rice. Sesame seeds + water chestnuts if you’re feeling like a baller.
• These fuckers. http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/crispy-slow-cooker-carnitas/
• Whole wheat pasta or tortellini with kale or broccoli, olive oil or light pesto or tomato sauce, parmesan cheese, and a meat if we want - chicken or sausage. Just portion with way more veggies and way less pasta. It’s delightful and filling, just not fucked on the carbs.
• BLT+: Whole wheat bread, 1 T mayo, 3 slices precooked bacon, tons of lettuce, tomato, cucumber, peppers
• Sandwiches: Go easy on the mayo and cheese, load up on the veggies. Seriously. Tomato, cucumber, peppers. Get it.

Snacks:

• String Cheese/Babybel cheese/Cheddar + apple/pear
• Nuts
• Fruit
• Hummus and Veggies
• Dip and Veggies
• Kind Bars
• 1 or ½ Toast + pb or jam or avocado or ?
• I don’t usually do crackers bc I don’t need ‘em, but some people dig it.
• Garlic veggies

Emily Dunne

eadunne2@gmail.com

This isn't for everyone, and not even in a benign way.

If you’re still making excuses about all the reasons you're not quite ready to do that thing you know you must do - perhaps it's not the time, or you think life isn't so bad after all - then this will probably make you mad.

That may be good, though. May be what you need. Perhaps somewhere - in the back of your brain, or the pit of your stomach, or the hole in your chest - that even might be what you want.

So I'm just going to assume that if you're still here, you've got a need-to-do or a must-fix. A thing. If you didn't, you wouldn't care. You'd still be in the blissful, peaceful, just-hectic-enough-to-distract-you-and-make-you-feel-okay-about-ignoring-it dark. But you're not there anymore, are you? You've seen. And now you can't unsee.

Well, fuck. My condolences. It's the worst.

Maybe it's vast inequality in the world. Maybe it's insidious rot in your own mind. Maybe a dying earth. A wrong job. A damaging relationship. Maybe you just realized that you aren't where you wish to be, or worse still who you wish to be; and here you are in a life you've built and you don't like it. Who let this happen; when did this fail; how did you miss it; WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

You've got to MOVE.

If you can't stand this place, this injustice, this job, this mindset, this relationship, even one more instant, you must move. Now.

You already have an idea of what needs to be done. You might even know how to start: that infinitesimally small gesture that feels like an insurmountable peak until you’re standing on it. The next step.  Not only throwing out the cigarettes, but dousing them in water. Not smiling and nodding, but stepping away. Edit your resume. Apologize. Take a break. Change a habit.

Or not. You can ignore it, too. Lots of people do. They have that thing in their hearts and they look back instead, push it down instead, run away instead.

You know the type. You can see the way they're being eaten from the inside out ‘til there’s nothing left but a husk, even if you don't know the cause: The friend who drains you instead of lifting you up; the mentor who causes more doubt than inspiration; the family member who’s voice is in your head – a narrator of shame.

So you can ignore it, if you like. But you and I both know, it won't leave you alone, and it'll interrupt you in the most inconvenient ways. Your kid will say something sweetly optimistic and you'll start weeping. Your coworker will say that shitty thing that he always says, and it won't roll off anymore; each time the words will get wedged between your ribs, cramping your breathing so incrementally you barely notice. Or you'll binge on the numb-er of your choice and everything, everything will still hurt.

And if you simply cannot do that thing right now? Fine. Your choice. Just don't ignore it. That ache, that twinge, that not-quite-rightness? It's good. Necessary. Stockpile your discomfort to use as fuel for the day you decide to live. Hell, make a lasso with it to draw that day closer. The time for change truly is right here, now, but it takes all of us different eternities of suffering to see that. And that's okay. But work on it.

If you're taking your first steps, all you see is the work ahead. You're not wrong. Change is exhausting. We empathize with that object at rest, the one that really fucking wants to stay at rest. Try to remember: at rest is not how you were born or made. You were created in the midst of miraculous, cataclysmic change. You’ve never been at rest. Maximize on that kinetic energy.

We live cyclically in seasons, and sometimes the fight feels easy. I haven’t had a drink in years! I don’t let anyone belittle me! That project went so well! I am in control! These are the times I find the need to remind myself to be grateful but not complacent. Work worth doing is never truly finished, and a static life isn’t what fills us anyway.

Some seasons, we feel we are drowning. We regain weight. We fall off the wagon. We text them. Depression creeps in to remind us of all the ways we are damaged; the ways we are nworthy. It’s not fair! I’ve worked so hard! Am I broken? Can I control anything? Is it worth it? Am I worth it?

Those seasons will come and go, and everything in between. And that’s good. You know it, too, know that the hard times are what make you fearless, the pain is what taught you to love. There will be dark days, darker than you or I can imagine. You will survive them. You’re strong enough, today, now, to take it on, and you will be then. There will be glorious successes. You must survive these, too. Don’t let them make you someone you’re not. Stay focused. You know what you’re here to do.

Most of it, though, won’t be an apocalypse or an ascension to a higher plane of consciousness.

It will be life; Something beautiful and terrible, and you’ll still make mistakes. You’re not a machine, after all. But you’ll get more things more right more often, and you’ll feel it all.

You’ve got to. Feel everything, let it in, sit with it, all of it, the pain, the shame, the joy, the pride, the most secret of wishes, and the memories you’ve tried so desperately to forget that even you barely believe them anymore…feel them. When you run, they hold power. When you ignore, they sink their claws in. When you pick and chose, fear creeps up to remind you that nothing is forever. Face them head on. You are strong enough. Weep. Sprint. Scream. Laugh. Speak. Yes. Better. Move, every time.

Do your thing. Even with that very first gesture, your heart will open up. Your life will open up. You’ll find strength you never dreamed of and purpose deeper than you hoped and connection and support and identity and community.  It will hurt, often, and disappoint, and frustrate. It will build. It will test and twist and pull. It will mend. It will fail at times, and be misunderstood. It will create. And if all you can hear are the objections, the fear, just remember how much worse it feels to know there is more, and you’re not even trying for it.

Right?

You know the first step. The rest will follow.

Now.

Move.

All eyes to the stage

you can watch her claw out of her skin

I wasn’t expecting addiction to be a blanket, a balm, a salve

I wasn’t expecting it to to be an answer to a question I never should've asked

I wasn’t expecting something that felt like mercy.

I was cold, then I wasn’t, one too many times.

All eyes to the stage, an illusion or a balancing act?

Didn’t expect it to feel familiar, like a nickname

Even when you shake it it rings in your head

I wasn’t expecting it to feel like friendship, where even the shadows make you less lonely

All eyes to the stage, she’s building a chrysalis, or a shell

I wasn’t expecting it to weigh so fucking heavy

it’s no heavier than the word recreational, I suppose

I wasn’t expecting it to cling to my bones

winter weight just won’t leave, how could it?

I wasn't expecting its strength

I’ve been so brave before,

But it is self conscious doubt

childhood fear

My achilles heel is my self.

All eyes to the stage

See the unpainted lady

Once in a dream I was whole

Get your eyes off the damn stage, can’t you see that’s a person up there?

Before you read this

Before you read this, go out and look at the sky.

It is night, it is day, it is the absence and the presence of more.

Before you read this, swallow a star.

You won’t be able to keep it but it’s a good lesson, to love things you know you can’t keep, and besides, it will light your way.

Before you read this, Dance.

Let your hips and shoulders stretch like a yawn, like a shout. Use them with abandon, they are yours and no one else’s.

Before you read this, cry for something you have forgotten. It was not a waste. It was a stepping stone.

Before you read this, move quickly through the world. Run, swim, leap, tumble, Move until the pattern of your heart shifts from ‘mortal, mortal, mortal’ to ‘alive, alive, alive.’

Before you read this, sing out loud. Quit saying you can’t. You have a heart don’t you? It’s the only requirement.

Before you read this, let yourself forget. You needn’t carry those things with you anymore. They were never intended for you, just cast offs from the people who built you, things that were too big for them to hold, and you picked them up because you fix things. But it’s time to let them go.

Before you read this, listen.

Listen to music in cathedrals and from the tinny headphones of the teenager next to you on the bus. Listen to birds and dogs and for animals you didn’t even know made noise.

Listen to your body; what is she hungry for?

Listen to the ones you love; what are they always not saying?

Listen to yourself at 5 begging for one more hour to play outside, listen to yourself at ninety rejoicing over hours well spent.

Before you read this, remind yourself that heartbreak will not kill you. It means you were brave. It means you lived.

Before you read this, give yourself permission to want more.

Before you read this, give thanks. Before you read this, dare. Before you read this...

--

Idea stolen from Neil Gaiman's Before You Read This, which is super cool also, but kind of dark, and I wanted something more uplifting.

 

In my new age, while I cannot claim many years, I am cyclically aware of the duality and transitory nature of all things.

When I can forget it, I wallow in that ignorance, because to look too long at it is to wonder when the pendulum will swing back, and whether I’ll be able to handle the change.

(I must. I can. I will.)

In a search for health I have discovered control, and with success comes joy cradled in terror: that I will make a complete fucking mess of this if anything falls out of balance. I create a new space, another and another, a more sober space, a healthier space, a calmer space, a more prepared space, I can, I will, I am in control, I’m good at this, this is easy, I am worthy…

I am fallible.

There is no infinite climb, no ultimate understanding. It’s a stopping and starting, a clumsy-beautiful lurch forward with scraped knees and bruised ego and hope cobbled together by loving words and chance.  But the steps I can land consecutively feel so good. I think, “I’ve got this now.”

She’s got herself together. Her ducks in a row. What a well-adjusted young lady

          Who spirals into manic benders spent gripping tight to blankets and partner and the fervent hope that this one can be rode out without the safety net of substances.

          Who goes months at a time unable to put forth any more. All I have, and it’s not very much.

          Who avoids truths to spare feelings.

Who is blessed with knowledge and support and still unable to use every gift, meet every eye.

          Who knows the exact texture of the ceiling, the tempo of the blinking of the clock, the cadence of the barking of the neighbor’s dog; watch the numbers tick by, get up, lie back down, read awhile, get back up, change seats, read a book, drink some tea, back in bed, and still, still

Was it enough? Was I too kind, too cruel? Should I have said this instead? Does she deserve better? Do they? Does it matter? Who’s responsibility is… How far should I… When will it… I’m not sure. I’m happy. I’m scared. It’s enough. There’s more.

To remain in the light.

To look at, and then truly see, as much as I can; good and bad are not all that far removed, after all, and binaries are just hues and shades dancing along Mobius strip. To acknowledge my fear without tainting my joy. To acknowledge my weakness in a way that celebrates my strength. To embrace discomfort. To forgive, myself mostly, for being human, for not knowing, for having to relearn and recalibrate and rebalance over and over and over and-

To rejoice and not cower in the knowledge that I am reborn, reintroduced, seeing and loving anew and different every second of every day for the depth and breadth of my life. That change is inevitable, but life is enduring, relentless, it survives all by becoming more than it was before.

So too shall I.

The struggle of maintaining sobriety has been on my mind frequently of late, and I thought I'd share this tidbit I wrote a few months ago.

I'm practicing leaning into discomfort.

It's uncomfortable.

Music is better sober. That's something I didn't expect. I loved the hazy waves of sound emotion, but sober I still get those glorious flavors of nostalgia and joy and pain, but my brain is more nimble. Instead of one foggy dream, it's a hundred vivid lifetimes.

I thought I would lose the nostalgia. Ha. That's the existential void. How humbling.

Joy is rawer and I can focus on bringing it to the forefront. I fail sometimes, but I have a choice almost always now, not consumed, writhing, caught in some unknowable force. It's me. It's mine. It's a little broken, a little prideful. But I'm am powerful too, in my strength and perseverance as much as in my vulnerability and empathy.

I cannot control the ebb and flow of time or space. But I can control myself. My reactions, my choices. Not the impact I have. I have to let it go, good or bad, with the knowledge that I've done everything I could.

It will always change. There will always be more to learn, more to feel, more to process. That's good. That's right.

That's the journey.

I feel more alive now. I was afraid I'd feel old, afraid getting older means getting boring. I realize now that getting boring is a choice.
I also realize there will be some reprioritizing.

At 16 I was going to live fast and die young. At 18 I was going to have every (inebriated) experience. At 21 I was convinced my only qualifier would be "fuck up." Self-indulgent, but true.

And now.

Now.

Now I recognize my role as tool, an instrument, a weapon, a balm. I recognize my usefulness. It is awe inspiring and terrifying. I'm not just responsible for me now. I'm responsible for the person I must become.

Fuck.

But when my body is consistently filled with the energy of a hundred loving hearts, when my mind won't rest, weighted by the injustices perpetrated by apathy, when my arms are wrapped around my babies...
It doesn't even feel like a choice. Now it's a privilege.

Especially considering the starting point. Self-loathing, codependence, addiction...

And now.

Now.

Sometimes I weep with the joy of it. It overwhelms me. And sometimes I'm still buried deep in old pain with only a hope and a commitment to sustain me.

And it is enough.

I am enough.

This mindset is great, but I'm living now in the understanding that my sobriety cannot be for anyone but myself. It's a big part of the struggle I'm having currently, remembering why I am so much better, happier, prouder, now, over a year sober. Still workin' :)

I am sharing this experience because I've recently been feeling the weight of it in a way I hadn't previously. I am hoping that giving it voice will clarify things and enlighten me, but if nothing else, at least I can share.

I am a proud person. It's not a characteristic I love or hate about myself. It's just true.

Because of that, and because of the cultural framing around body image, I avoid discussion of my own body, esteem, and appearance, because I feel that admitting to doubts and self hate would be a display of weakness uncharacteristic to the image of myself I have built. Or I think I have built. Or tried to build. Writing these things causes my discomfort, but I am attempting to be present, regardless.

A little less than a year ago, I made several personal changes. The decision to get sober was initially a reaction to the lack of control I was experiencing in my life, but it promptly forced into motion a number of other introspections that had almost farther reaching consequences than the sobriety itself.

One of those was my decision to cut diet culture from my life. I have struggled with and vacillated on my personal opinion of my body and dieting itself for most of my life, as, I think, do most women in this country. For years I tried to lose weight or shape my body in a certain way, with a definite moral worth attached to my success or failure. And because dieting is inherently, destructively fallible, I would succeed and feel validated, and then fail. And the sense of personal worthlessness and loathing I associated with the gain of even a few pounds was paralyzing.

Of course, at that point in my life, I hadn't yet named, claimed, or addressed my mental health issues, so that certainly didn't help. But after years of placing worth on that facet of my existence (like I did with so many other things I had no control over: intelligence, musical ability), I realized that the parts of myself I should be judging and weighing and promoting were the parts of myself I had worked for,  things like my compassion, my teaching ability, my social skills, my leadership. I realized that for as long as my appearance dictated my worth (and not even my appearance, my impression of my appearance), which inherently placed my value in the hands of other (white, male, cis, wealthy, closed-minded) people, I would be full of self-loathing and useless as a participant of purpose in this world.

So I said fuck it.

I stopped thinking about calories. I stopped thinking about weight.
I eat when I'm hungry. I am active as often as I can be.
I try to eat for energy, and because food is awesome.
I try to move for my mental health, and the enjoyment of the feeling of inhabiting my miraculous body.

I grant myself kind forgiveness when I, frequently, fail.

When I made this choice, I proactively disconnected my physical appearance from my self worth.

The biggest success I've had is eliminating the reaction to feel self loathing when I'm eating something delicious but calorically loaded. As time has gone on, as I am actively positive toward myself, that reflex has relaxed and for the most part I can eat what I want without guilt or shame. When I do feel those things, I have strengthened the muscle of rerouting my thoughts, reminding myself that food is delicious and completely unrelated to my ethical worth. It doesn't matter what I look like. There are other things of greater value.

BUT, I made those decisions when it was warm out. I walked everywhere, I was never in one place for long enough to really overeat often, and I was always outside. Combined with the calorie cut from not drinking, I actually lost weight.

And I didn't catch myself when the pride I felt about the changes in my life came from how I looked as much as how I felt.

Now, in the winter months, after the holidays, after lying in bed watching Netflix and eating, I have gained some weight. And the progressive mind frame I thought I'd perfected is a bit harder to come by. The choice to live fully, actively, healthily, but separate from the social value placed on weight and "fitness" ( because we all know it's not about health, it's about the look) is more of a struggle.

I've been walking everywhere I can because I love walking and because exercise makes my brain happy. I've been trying to cut back on the genuinely unhealthy eating behaviors. (Oh middle-of-the-night ice cream, I love you.) After holiday eating, I notice my body craving more fruits and vegetables and less crap, so I'm working to focus on how I feel. I feel happier, stronger, less sick when I'm eating with more balance than I have been. I understand that moderation is something I struggle with (hence the need for sobriety) and that applies to food too. And I'm trying to look in the mirror and appreciate and love and dote on every stretch mark and added inch. Because it's me. Because my worth is not earned, it is inherent in my humanity.

It's a delicate balance because I like the way I look, generally, and love my own style. I love my boots and my tattoos and my hair and my button-ups. Things I've chosen. It's hard to remember I didn't choose my metabolism, that controlling every calorie, will not, CANNOT be my priority. But it's ok to think about the way I look. As long as it's mine. As long as it's with love. As long as it gives grace and understanding to the realities of my body and my world and the fact that I have no right wasting my energy, or my skills, or my journey on self hate, so I better get loving.

It's hard to say these things. I feel like and am afraid that people will hear me saying, "Waaaah, I'm faaat, siiiigh," instead of  "I'm beautiful and fabulous and strong and gifted and determined and some days that takes more work that others."

Those of you comfy and happy in your diet and exercise, rock on. I know you feel great, and I'm excited to get my body back in balance. But those of you somewhere in the middle...

I feel ya. You're gorgeous. But you're also more than that. And I hope you are prioritizing your life with the knowledge of your infinite worth, giving yourself that love and forgiveness when you forget.