I am sharing this experience because I've recently been feeling the weight of it in a way I hadn't previously. I am hoping that giving it voice will clarify things and enlighten me, but if nothing else, at least I can share.

I am a proud person. It's not a characteristic I love or hate about myself. It's just true.

Because of that, and because of the cultural framing around body image, I avoid discussion of my own body, esteem, and appearance, because I feel that admitting to doubts and self hate would be a display of weakness uncharacteristic to the image of myself I have built. Or I think I have built. Or tried to build. Writing these things causes my discomfort, but I am attempting to be present, regardless.

A little less than a year ago, I made several personal changes. The decision to get sober was initially a reaction to the lack of control I was experiencing in my life, but it promptly forced into motion a number of other introspections that had almost farther reaching consequences than the sobriety itself.

One of those was my decision to cut diet culture from my life. I have struggled with and vacillated on my personal opinion of my body and dieting itself for most of my life, as, I think, do most women in this country. For years I tried to lose weight or shape my body in a certain way, with a definite moral worth attached to my success or failure. And because dieting is inherently, destructively fallible, I would succeed and feel validated, and then fail. And the sense of personal worthlessness and loathing I associated with the gain of even a few pounds was paralyzing.

Of course, at that point in my life, I hadn't yet named, claimed, or addressed my mental health issues, so that certainly didn't help. But after years of placing worth on that facet of my existence (like I did with so many other things I had no control over: intelligence, musical ability), I realized that the parts of myself I should be judging and weighing and promoting were the parts of myself I had worked for,  things like my compassion, my teaching ability, my social skills, my leadership. I realized that for as long as my appearance dictated my worth (and not even my appearance, my impression of my appearance), which inherently placed my value in the hands of other (white, male, cis, wealthy, closed-minded) people, I would be full of self-loathing and useless as a participant of purpose in this world.

So I said fuck it.

I stopped thinking about calories. I stopped thinking about weight.
I eat when I'm hungry. I am active as often as I can be.
I try to eat for energy, and because food is awesome.
I try to move for my mental health, and the enjoyment of the feeling of inhabiting my miraculous body.

I grant myself kind forgiveness when I, frequently, fail.

When I made this choice, I proactively disconnected my physical appearance from my self worth.

The biggest success I've had is eliminating the reaction to feel self loathing when I'm eating something delicious but calorically loaded. As time has gone on, as I am actively positive toward myself, that reflex has relaxed and for the most part I can eat what I want without guilt or shame. When I do feel those things, I have strengthened the muscle of rerouting my thoughts, reminding myself that food is delicious and completely unrelated to my ethical worth. It doesn't matter what I look like. There are other things of greater value.

BUT, I made those decisions when it was warm out. I walked everywhere, I was never in one place for long enough to really overeat often, and I was always outside. Combined with the calorie cut from not drinking, I actually lost weight.

And I didn't catch myself when the pride I felt about the changes in my life came from how I looked as much as how I felt.

Now, in the winter months, after the holidays, after lying in bed watching Netflix and eating, I have gained some weight. And the progressive mind frame I thought I'd perfected is a bit harder to come by. The choice to live fully, actively, healthily, but separate from the social value placed on weight and "fitness" ( because we all know it's not about health, it's about the look) is more of a struggle.

I've been walking everywhere I can because I love walking and because exercise makes my brain happy. I've been trying to cut back on the genuinely unhealthy eating behaviors. (Oh middle-of-the-night ice cream, I love you.) After holiday eating, I notice my body craving more fruits and vegetables and less crap, so I'm working to focus on how I feel. I feel happier, stronger, less sick when I'm eating with more balance than I have been. I understand that moderation is something I struggle with (hence the need for sobriety) and that applies to food too. And I'm trying to look in the mirror and appreciate and love and dote on every stretch mark and added inch. Because it's me. Because my worth is not earned, it is inherent in my humanity.

It's a delicate balance because I like the way I look, generally, and love my own style. I love my boots and my tattoos and my hair and my button-ups. Things I've chosen. It's hard to remember I didn't choose my metabolism, that controlling every calorie, will not, CANNOT be my priority. But it's ok to think about the way I look. As long as it's mine. As long as it's with love. As long as it gives grace and understanding to the realities of my body and my world and the fact that I have no right wasting my energy, or my skills, or my journey on self hate, so I better get loving.

It's hard to say these things. I feel like and am afraid that people will hear me saying, "Waaaah, I'm faaat, siiiigh," instead of  "I'm beautiful and fabulous and strong and gifted and determined and some days that takes more work that others."

Those of you comfy and happy in your diet and exercise, rock on. I know you feel great, and I'm excited to get my body back in balance. But those of you somewhere in the middle...

I feel ya. You're gorgeous. But you're also more than that. And I hope you are prioritizing your life with the knowledge of your infinite worth, giving yourself that love and forgiveness when you forget.