I am finding myself profoundly overwhelmed. I understand that the task at hand in this particular job is a very different task than many other teaching jobs. To be frank, that understanding is not really helping.
My children are starving. They're sick. They have few coping skills, and even less of a safety net. They are angry. They have a right to be.
I understand that loving them is what they need. But it is becoming increasingly difficult to have that love to give when so much of my job is allowing hatred and violence and disrespect to be aimed at myself. I am not immune. I am not invulnerable. And not a day goes by without a threat or curse or assault. It makes me tired. It makes me angry. It makes me want to walk away from that school and never come back. It makes me want to scream at them the way they scream at me.
But then...some of these children are wonderful. They are so kind and funny and wise. They are still children. They are still ill equipped to face the world. But the life they seek is still seen through a filter of hope. And they want so badly to be loved. There is a little 2nd grader who wraps her arms around my knee and rests her head on my leg whenever we have carpet time. There's a 7th grader who smiles at me with this goofy, toothy grin so full of affection that no matter how angry I am, I can't help but smile back. A 4th grader that stays up all night babysitting his little niece and nephew, but still comes to class every day, and listens sincerely when I tell him he is better than the behavior that he shows. He actively works on it. A 3rd grader who comes in to my room before school most mornings, just so someone will talk to her. She has so many siblings that no one spends much time with just her. A quiet 7th grader with a mouth like a sailor, an attitude, a mean stink eye, and the most beautiful singing voice. I saw her smile for the first time in choir. She's extraordinary.
I found out last week that my job is at risk. That there is a very good possibility that I will be forced elsewhere. In a way I am a little relived that someone might tell me I need to find another job. And at the same time, my heart breaks that I might not be able to stay here with these amazing little people.
I guess the best solution is to live in the moment, fully. My project of late has been to love them. Love them better, love them more, love them actively, love them completely. And maybe, in the end, that will be what makes the difference.
